Route 666
by Mr. Bigg
Summary: Our heros arrive at the convention, but between homicidal Clouds, flash grenades and sell-out heros, will they ever be the same?
1. Default Chapter

The sun shined brightly as it rose over the small Ohio suburb. Bird chirped and bugs buzzed as the sleepy town prepared for another beautiful day. On one of the many silent streets, a paperboy rode past each sleepy house delivering the morning news. He whizzed past the pastel colored homes and verdant lawns on his bike, until he saw the dreaded house coming up on his left.  
  
It wasn't that shabby of a dwelling, but compared to the neighbors it might as well of been an out house. The lawn had died years ago, the paint started to peal, and one of the front windows was boarded up because the proprietor was too lazy to fix the damn thing. In fact, as the paper boy approached the house, the owner was walking outside in superman undies, waiting for his newspaper. "Shove a stick in MY spokes, eh? Well, let me return the favor!" The paperboy said to himself, preparing to fling the newspaper. He let it fly with all the precision of an Olympic athlete. Sure enough, the paper hit its target square on: the homeowner's face.  
  
Like a bullet, the man (who was known to the world only as 'Biggelow') pursued the ill-tempered paperboy like a bat out of hell. The paperboy peddled frantically, as his unwanted assailant started to gain. He managed to widen the gap however, and was soon nearly out of site. Realizing his chase was in vain, Biggelow stopped and bellowed, "DAMN YOU, PAPER BOY!" He shuffled back to his house, only stopping to pick up his news paper.  
  
The inside of the house was dark and cluttered, like one had just entered a cave. The TV screen was the only source of light, illuminating a carpet littered with food wrappers and magazines. Biggelow sauntered through the trash-filled room, and into a shady hall way. He ducked his head into one room, and noticed the room's occupant was missing. He doubled back to the kitchen, and found his friend, whom he shared the house with.  
  
"Mornin' Bigg. How's the paper boy this morning?" He friend asked, smirking. "Shut up, Rutherford Seymour," Bigg replied, knowing how much his friend detested his name. "Dude- that was low," RS (as he liked to be known) replied. "Right, right. So, what's up for today?" Bigg asked. "I keep getting that feeling that I have something important I have planned, it's just that I can't remember whatever is was," RS said. Bigg was about to reply when the phone started ringing. RS and Bigg scrambled frantically for the phone, looking under piled of clothes, in cereal boxes or any other place the phone might be. "Hey- there it is!" Bigg said, pointing it out to his friend. "What idiot put the phone in the cradle?" RS said as he answered the phone. "You guys ready?!" an eager voice said. "Faye? Ready for what?" RS asked. Bigg quickly ran into the other room to pick up the phone.  
  
"You forgot. I can't believe you forget something as important as this," Faye said flatly. "Oh yeah- Tom Arnold was born today!" Bigg said. There was an audible thump from the kitchen as RS face faulted. "Are you two on crack!? We're supposed to go to AnimeGamingOtakucon today! It's the last day that Isaac, Garret, and the rest of the Golden sun people will be there!" Faye yelled. "Aww crap. That's today?" RS asked. "Yeah, so let's go already! We're going miss them!" Faye said. "Ok, ok. We're coming to pick you up," RS said, hanging up the phone. "Bigg! We gotta leave now if we're going to make it to that convention on time!" RS said. "Yeah, I got all my stuff. To the Chevy!" Bigg said, running outside. "Welcome to my nightmare," RS muttered. 


	2. Warning: Disgruntled neighbors in the mi...

It was still early in the morning when RS and Bigg clambered into Bigg's beat-up '86 Chevy Gallante. "Jesus Bigg- when the hell are you going to clean out this thing?" RS asked, noting the trash strewn all over the floor. "Clean out my car? Why not just ask me to put the seat down too?" Bigg replied. "Well, it would be nice to NOT sit in a bowl of toilet water every morning," RS muttered. Suddenly, a ball of golden fur darted from the back seat and onto Bigg's lap. "Mornin' Skooge," Biggs said, petting the blond kitten as he started the car. "Mroow!" Skooge meowed happily, nuzzling Bigg's stomach.  
  
"Can we go already?" RS yelled. "Fine, fine, Mr. McBossy," Bigg muttered. Skooge hissed at RS as they pulled out of the driveway. After a few minutes, the small houses were replaced by large buildings as they entered the down town district. They pulled up next to a fairly large apartment complex. Bigg started beeping the horn in an odd sequence. "HEY- WILL YOU SHUT UP!!?" A voice roared from across the street. Bigg stopped beeping the horn and yelled back "WHAT?!" "STOP BEEPING THE DAMN HORN YOU IDIOTIC YAHOO!!" The stranger yelled back. "WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN AND MAKE ME, OLD MAN!!?" Bigg challenged. The guy disappeared from the window. "I showed him, didn't I Skooge?" Bigg asked, rubbing his nose against Skooge's.  
  
"In retrospect, that might not have been the best course of action," RS said. "Eh? How so?" Bigg asked. RS pointed across the street at the man who was now approaching the car with a baseball bat. "Oh crap," Bigg squeaked as the man came closer. On the other side of the car, Faye was stepping out her front door. She was a petite girl with short black hair, light blue eyes and freckles. She looked quizzically at the man with the baseball bat as RS screamed, "FAYE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET IN THE CAR!!" Faye frantically scrambled into the back seat and Bigg pushed on the gas hard. The man with the baseball bat jumped out of the way to avoid getting hit. RS hooted as they sped onto the empty freeway.  
  
"Must you bother my neighbors every time you guys come to my house? My landlord got eight petitions on the last month to ban both of you from the apartment complex!" Faye said, giggling slightly. "No offense, but your neighbors are idiots," Bigg said. "Says the man who Eskimo-kisses his cat every five minutes," RS replied. "Hey- there is NOTHING wrong with showing your affection for a loved one. Isn't that right, Skooge?" Bigg retorted as Skooge purred deeply. "So what's the itinerary for the trip?" Faye asked. "Well, I figure if we make one stop in about an hour and have light traffic, we can make it there at about 11:30," RS said. "Yeah. Then we change at the convention and wait around for Isaac so we can get his autograph," Bigg finished. "Are you still going to try to hit on Mia?" Faye asked RS. "Yeah, but I need a good pick-up line.." RS said. "How about 'do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes'," Bigg suggested. "How about that's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard in my life?" RS retorted.  
  
"Why don't you try 'Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day!'," Faye asked. "Ok, THAT'S the cheesiest thing I've ever heard," RS said. "You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy!" Bigg recommended. "No," RS replied. "If you were words on a page, you'd be FINE PRINT!" Faye yelled. "Oh God no," RS sighed. "If you were a laser, you'd be set on 'stunning'," Bigg yelped. "I'm thinking.. no," RS said. "Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle!" Faye hooted. "You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King- you treat me right, and I'll do it your way!" Mr. Bigg hollered. "Did the sun come out, or did you just smile?" Faye suggested. "No, no, and... Actually, that last one might work," RS said. "Ha-ha. I won," Faye said to Bigg. "Yeah, well NYAHHHH!"Bigg said, sticking out his tongue. "Can we try to stay serious here?! We got a convention to get to!" RS yelled. "Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow (Oscar Wilde)," Faye said. "Yes, but Only the shallow know themselves (also Oscar Wilde)," RS replied. The three stared at each other and broke down laughing as they sped along the horizon. 


	3. Sellouts

Food wrappers littered the floor of Bigg's car. "Wow- you really need to clean this thing our. I've seen landfills cleaner than this," Faye said. "You're telling me- I can't feel my legs anymore," RS replied, gazing at the wrappers that seemed to envelope the lower half of his body. "Ha ha. Very funny," Bigg said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "So what do we do once we get to the convention?" Faye asked. "Well, The Isaac, Garret, Mia, and Ivan aren't showing up until 1:00. That gives a some time to cruise the convention. Now, my mom's second cousin's nephew who's friend works as a security guard told me that we MAY be able to catch them as they come out of their limo," Bigg explained. "Right- and what if we don't catch them as they come out of the limo?" RS asked. "Well, then we wait in a line and pay $18 bucks like all the other assholes," Bigg said.  
  
"Hey- are we near a city or something?" RS asked, noting the rapid urbanization of his surroundings. "Yup. And inside that urban blight lies our chance to MEET THE GOLDEN SUN CHARACTERS!!" Biggs shouted excitedly. "Hey- d'you think that if I begged Ivan he'd hook me up with an internship? I here that's how Garret started out," RS said. "Sure RS, and his first job for you will be to stay at least 5 miles away from him at all times," Faye replied. "Then how can he hit on Mia?" Biggs asked. "Yeah RS, how do you plan on talking to Mia at the convention?" Faye asked. "Well, you know those stories about two people who fall in love on opposite ends of a crowded room.." RS asked with a dreamy look in his eyes. "Yeah- and the room is so crowded that they never end up meeting each other and they leave the party and they spend the rest of their lives wondering if that person was their only special someone until they die cold and alone?" Biggs asked. "DAMMIT BIGGS! Way to ruin the mood!" RS shouted, punching Biggs as hard as he can.  
  
"What about you, Biggs? You looking for someone special?" Faye asked. "Are you kidding? Biggs thinks that the romance in Romeo and Juliet is shallow!" RS said. "Well, I just don't understand how two people can be that devoted to another in the span of two hours!" Biggs replied. "Biggs, the length of the play doesn't reflect the time span covered in the story," Faye said. "Well.. uh.. they're still shallow!" Biggs said, pulling into a parking lot. "We're here?!" RS shouted excitedly. "That's right troops! Suit up!" Biggs said, grabbing some bags from the trunk. In a few minutes, he transformed into a Megaman doppelganger. "Nice Biggs! Can I see the blaster for a minute?" RS asked. Biggs pulled off the arm-mounted cannon with a grunt, and shoved it into RS's eager hands.  
  
"Why is it so heavy?" RS asked, securing it to his forearm. "Look inside," Biggs said. RS opened a small side panel to reveal some complex parts on the inside. "Dude!? This is a potato rifle!?" RS asked. "Hells yes. I spent at least 4 weeks building it. Try firing it!" Biggs suggested. RS squeezed the trigger, and a small potato rocketed out. "CoOOOool," Faye and RS said. After a few minutes, the other two suited up as well: RS as Sheik (the Zelda guy), and Faye as Battle Angel Alita. The three strode into the hotel and were greeted by a huge gathering of fan boys, cosplayers and hardcore gaming fans. "Ok guys, remember: everyone meet back here in an hour, sharp!" Biggs said, walking off. "Ok RS, try not to get into any more fights. Remember the Love Hina incident?" Faye asked, walking off. "That wasn't my fault! You can't prove it!" RS shouted after her. "Besides, how much trouble could I get into in an hour?" RS murmured.  
  
* * *  
  
He soon found out. While checking out a Sailor scout up close, he failed to notice her boyfriend. "Hey- step off. She's with me!" a very disgruntled Cloud (FFVII) growled. "Don't mind me, I'm just checking out the merchandise!" RS replied. "I'm warning you!" the boyfriend replied, running his hand along the hilt of his massive foam sword. "What are you gonna do? Wear a dress at me?" RS taunted. Cloud drew his foam sword and moved in to attack. "So it's a fight you want, eh?" RS said, grabbing his wooden Sheika dagger. The two crossed fake blades, and pushed off each other. Cloud prepared to cleave RS with his foam sword (which, in retrospect wouldn't have done jack diddily-squat). At the last second, RS grabbed a flash grenade from his belt and detonated it. The surrounding area was scorched with a blazing flash, and when the light faded, he was gone.  
  
On the other side of the room, Biggs dropped the model he was holding. "A flash grenade? That can't be good." he said. Suddenly, RS appeared besides him. "Ok RS, what happened?" Biggs asked. "My dear friend, I have no idea what you mean," RS replied, batting his eyes innocently. "THERE HE IS!!" a voice yelled as Cloud, flanked by a group of evil looking ninjas, approached the pair. "RUN!" RS cried, dragging Biggs towards the bathrooms. "Ninjas!? What the hell did you do!?" Biggs asked as RS and he took cover in a stall. "That's not important right now- all you need to know is it isn't my fault," RS explained. "Be fair RS- everything is your fault," Biggs said, rolling his eyes. Suddenly, the ninjas and Cloud entered the bathroom. "Oh crap- what the hell are we gonna do now?" RS whispered anxiously. Cloud started to check each stall for the pair, and was fast approaching their hiding spot. The pair held their breath and prepared for their inevitable beating.  
  
Suddenly, the room was filled with cries of pain, and it all went silent. "Biggs? RS? You guys in here?" Faye yelled. "Faye! Thank god you're here!" The pair yelled, bursting out of the stall. They gasped when they saw what had happened to their pursuers. "Sweet Jesus, what the hell did you do!?" Biggs asked. Faye produced a small linen rag wrapped around a bar of soap, twirling it expertly. "I soaped their asses, Full Metal Jacket Style," She said, getting a badass look in her eyes. "Remember to never let Faye near soap again," RS whispered to Biggs. "Wait! We gotta get to the back door pronto! The GS crew's gonna be here any minute!" Biggs said.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hmph. I hate doing these stupid convention gigs," Isaac muttered in the back of his limo. He sipped his cocktail, and set it down. "Why the hell do we sign up for this crap?" he asked. "Appearances Isaac. The crowd loves us!" Garret said, slipping on his Gucci leather gauntlets. "So do we have our stunt doubles for the show?" Isaac asked. "You don't need a stunt double Isaac. It's not a real dragon," Mia said. "Well, tell the stunt doubles to get their asses down here. When I'm this rich, I shouldn't have to work!" Garret replied. "I can't believe how much you two have sold out! It's disgusting!" Ivan exclaimed. "He's right! You guys were never like this until the money started coming in!" Mia said. "Hey you snot nosed punks! You may have fresh faces, but the only reason we're as popular as we are is because of Garret and Me! So if you don't like it, you two can kiss my ass!" Isaac said.  
  
The limo started to pull into the back parking lot of the hotel. "Great. Looks like some losers knew where we were gonna be," Garret said. "Well, I'll get security to make 'em go away," Isaac replied, whipping out a cell phone. "You can't do that Isaac! You're a hero to these people!" Mia said. "Mia, you still don't realize that these people are idiots," Isaac retorted as the limo pulled to a stop. The group stepped out and was immediately greeted by a Megaman, A Sheik rip off and a chick in a cat suit and trench coat. "ISAAC I'MYOURBIGGESTFANCANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPH?!" Megaman yelled, handing Isaac a photo of.. Isaac (A/N: wow that's an awkward sentence). "Wow! I never thought I'd get to see you in person! You're like.. an icon of good versus evil! You've saved the world countless times!" Megaman said. "Yeah, and you know what's the best part? It's all fake! I never saved the world, I never even learned alchemy! It's all smoke and mirrors, yet I have countless legions of LOSERS LIKE YOU willing to eat dirt I found under my fingernail!" He laughed, shoving the picture into Bigg's chest. Isaac and Garret walked off, and Mia said, "I'm REAL sorry you had to see that. They have no idea what you people think." She and Ivan reluctantly followed their other party members.  
  
"Biggs? You going to be ok?" Faye asked quietly. Biggs murmured and dropped the photo. On it was scrawled 'To the world's biggest loser- get a life.' "I'm going to wait in the car until the convention ends, ok?" Biggs said, trudging off towards the parking lot. Faye tried to console him, but RS stopped her. "Just let him go. He needs a little me-time," He explained. "But.. It just feels wrong to enjoy the convention without him," Faye replied. "He'll get over it. Just give him some time," RS said as he walked away. Faye watched him walk off, gave one last glance at Biggs, and went back inside.  
  
* * *  
  
"Ok, run this by me one more time," Garret said to the portly stage manager. "Alright: you guys are going to be introduced, and then we'll walk on stage. You guys wave, make up some bullshit about how happy you are to be here, and then Herb'll come out in the animatronic dragon, we shoot some fireworks and smoke, and you guys beat the dragon," The stage manager explained. "Ok. Can the dragon do any real damage?" Garret asked. "Well, ya, but Herb'll be driven, so you got nothing to worry about," The Stage manager replied. He glanced down at his watch. "Speaking of which, it's almost show time. Places everyone!" he yelled, and waddled off. Herb, the dragon pilot, started making his way towards the stage elevator, where the dragon was waiting. He never saw the giant foam sword hit him from behind. 


End file.
